my wedding video

I see a trend in wedding videos. The groom pulls up at the bride's home with his merry men, only to be tekaned by the cronies jiemei of the bride. They are made to undergo all manner of humiliating acts, eat repulsive concoctions and even pay out obscene bribes, before the groom can life the veil and kiss the bride. Soon I will experience it firsthand myself.

This is my ideal wedding video:

The black car pulls up in front of the bride's house and the groom dismounts. He strides purposefully toward the front door, companions in tow. A glance at the windows reveals no gloating, giggling faces. An ominous silence hangs in the air; the house has the appearance of being deserted.

As the groom reaches the front door, it is opened from within by a gentlemen immaculately dressed in a tuxedo. He could not be mistaken for any sort of manservant, however, because of his athletic build, dark glasses, and the air of bravura radiating from him. This aura, in fact, is shared by the entire party of the groom, who is himself the epitome of sei.

Inside, the ladies are trussed up like chickens gently bound to the dining room furniture. Their eyes are wide not with terror, but with wonderment at the finesse with which they were overcome. The warrior standing over them snaps a quick salute as the groom enters. A paperclip in the kitchen is the only evidence of the swift and silent entry made by the vanguard. With a flourish, the groom magnanimously whips out a sheaf of red packets and delicately tucks one each into the bonds of the incapacitated bridal party.

He then proceeds directly to that room, and throws the door open. These final moments trickle by like an eternity as he sets eyes upon the most beautiful ... ok I'll cut the romantic crap here. You get the general idea; why is it not done this way?